Snow

As a New Englander, I’ve almost entirely acclimated and become immune to the effects of this region’s weather. However, there’s still one thing that pisses me off. Walking in the snow.

First, a description for those from more temperate climes who have never had to deal with walking in falling snow: Imagine you’re on a beach, only the sand is twice as slippery, and the sand and the air are cold, and there’s more sand falling from the sky, and when it gets in your hair it melts into water and makes your head even colder, in addition to being wet, and also I’m there stabbing you in the eye for having beach weather in February.

Prick.

But yes, the snow presents some interesting challenges and annoying choices. The first, of course, is footwear. Wear a pair of sneakers, and you’ll end up with them soaking through. Wear boots and you’ll end up with no mobility below the upper ankle. Next up is choice of coat. Of course, you’ll want a thick one to keep warm, right? Hahaha, fool. Watch as you end up moving like the kids from South Park trying to get somewhere, twisting your entire torso to reach anything. Or, you could wear a thin jacket and end up frozen to the bone in about five minutes. Then, there’s the question of long johns: If you wear them, you’ll be warm, but do you really want to be caught wearing long johns?

Personally, I think the best solution is the most obvious: Build a huge, retractable dome over Massachusetts and close it during the winter.